The good, the bad and the very, very ugly

I wanted to write this because I thought it a crime not to share some of the experiences I have had with online dating. Re-entering the world of dating as a 35 year old single mother was not something I was at all prepared for. It didn’t take long for me to realise how the rules have not only changed, but it’s a complete mind field out there and my dream of dating was quickly turning into a nightmare!

The first time I joined an online dating site I was full of excitement, apprehension, but mostly hope! How very wrong I was… The following stories are some of the messages I have received so far. Some are great but most are truly awful, embarrassing and hilariously memorable. All names have been changed as I wanted to protect those I am writing about but the messages are 100% true.

The cull

60 messages are sitting in my inbox 24 hours after I joined my first online dating site. I was excited, flattered and couldn’t wait to read all the clever and witty remarks from the men I had assumed spent time reading my profile… yeah right! Most websites will actually notify you if someone views your profile. The amount of men who will message you from just looking at your profile picture and reading nothing else about you is astounding. So, the cull commences with deleting 20 or so people that messaged you who don’t have a profile picture of their own. This isn’t because I am shallow but you have to question why they have no picture, especially when essentially with online dating you can’t go by the natural chemical reaction you get when you meet someone in person. It comes down to the basics of are they attractive in their picture.

Next we delete the 10 or so that send a message that just says “HI”. I mean seriously, what the fuck am I meant to do with that? Or the ones that say “what’s a girl like you doing on here?” Erm… juggling? No, I’m here for the same reasons as you but I’m definitely not going back after that original opener.

So now we are down to roughly 30, minus at least 15 who have what I like to call “red flag user names” of longthickthrobbing, poundyougood, ChokeNstroke or my personal favourite, muffdiver69. Then I less the 5 who either offered a cock picture or are asking for a naked selfie. So I am down to 10. From 60 potential connections, down to 10! That’s when your heart drops a bit… but nothing prepared me for what came next.

The messages

I decided to search for who I found attractive based on their profile picture and see if there was any attraction once we started chatting. While searching through, so are many others so it’s during this time you get messages from other members. They vary from the witty and flattering to the disturbing. So here comes the bad and the very very ugly…

From Bigdaddy73

Monday 10am: Hi gorgeous – message ignored

Tuesday 1.20pm: Hi beautiful – ignored

Wednesday 11.30pm: Hi sexy – ignored

Thursday 4.30pm: Hi princess – ignored

Friday 11.20am: You fucking bitch – I replied “you’re an idiot”. To which he replied – only joking.

From Blacknight: Can I smash your back doors in – message ignored

From Domsub83: You have amazing eyes, they are very submissive would you be interested in a sub/dom relationship with me being the Dom and you the sub?

My reply: It’s not something I’ve thought about but I’m curious. How does it work?

Domsub83: You are basically my slave, you have to do everything I tell you too. I will tell you what hotel we meet in, what you must wear and you must be clean shaven at all times. You must only speak when spoken to and at all times you are to call me master and if you are replying to a message you must write master in capitals.

Message reply: OK

Domsub83: MASTER

Message reply: OK master

Domsub83: In capitals

Message reply: Fuck this.

From Monkeyswinger: I read your profile and so glad you hate bananas like me. Although I do still eat them and just try to stop myself gagging or being sick as I do – Message ignored. Seriously, you are an adult, you have a choice. Step away from the bananas.

From Nightcrawler: Can you tell me where you live, leave the door on the latch, I’ll sneak in, give you oral sex then sneak out. – message ignored.

From Mellowyellow: You have the kind of face that should be pissed on. – Message ignored (once I had vomited slightly in my mouth).

From Blindmansbluff: Wow you are so gorgeous my eyes just popped out of my head. Do you know a surgeon that can pop them back in? – Message ignored

From Musicalchairs: Do you want to come round to mine for a drink? I haven’t got any chairs but you can sit on my face – Message ignored (who said romance is dead).

From Origanal1980: Do you come here often? – Message ignored.

From Daddywarbucks: I know i’m a lot older than you but I have a black American Express – Message ignored.

From randomwarrior: I love bananas and hate marmite, I am down to earth. – Message ignored. I couldn’t date someone “down to earth”.

From Therapistintraining: Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous rumours and even death! So for my health and yours, just say yes! – Message ignored. Think I prefer the sound of the ulcer to be honest.

From Persistantpete:

11.30am Hi you’re so hot I would burn my lips if we kissed – ignored.

12.15pm Your eyes are like the bright blue sky – ignored.

12.46pm I will be your King and you can be my Queen – ignored.

1.08pm We would make beautiful babies – ignored.

1.13pm I know you looked at my profile, so why are you ignoring me? – ignored

1.34pm Not interested then? – Message ignored… sometimes persistence does not alway pay. Instead you look like a crazy stalker.

From Seekhelpasap: Yummy yummy in my tummy I wish I could call you my mummy –  no words. Literally none.

From Batmanorrobin: Kerpow, I just hit you with the love stick… have you got anywhere you can put it? – Message ignored. I can think of a million places you can stick it but near me isn’t one of them.

From BLTBrett: Hey my names Brett my mates call me foot long if you know what I mean and not in the subway kind. No cheese and herb here sweetheart hope your weekend is going well if you fancy a BLT (big long throbbing) them place your order and select your salad and sauce. Speak soon btw to you have a loyalty card? – ignored.

From Mastermind99: How are you? Where do you live? Do you like shoes? Do you prefer cats or dogs? How’s your day going? What music do you like? Have you ever been skiing? Where’s the best place to have been? Do you like tea or coffee? What star signs are you? Have you got any brothers and sisters? Anyway drop me a quick message when you get a chance. – Message ignored. Quick message? My eggs will be dried up by the time I answer all those questions.

On a side note, some of us can also send awful first messages. A lady sent this to someone whose username was fantasticmrfox. In his profile he mentioned being well travelled so she came up with what she thought would be a witty first message but instead demonstrated the perils of autocorrect: “you should change your username. Everyone knows Fantastic Mr Fox is not well travelled and only wee comes out his hole for cider and chickens”. She obviously meant he not wee! Strangely enough she never received a reply.

These messages aside, my first foray into the world of online dating was exciting. I loved reading people’s profiles; some terrible, some very funny and some just copied and pasted from someone elses profile. However, you do have to remember that people can write anything. I used to take a lot of stock in what people wrote on their profile then I realised that a lot of it was horseshit or written at 2am after a drunken night out!

Emma x

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